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I’m diving into the third mental load hack in our series—and this one might challenge you. We’re talking about downshifting. Not lowering your standards. Not settling. But consciously deciding what is actually yours to carry and what isn’t.
I unpack why mental load decreases faster through subtraction than optimization, how we silently assume responsibility at work and home, and why your capability does not equal your obligation. If you’ve been feeling like the default for everything, this conversation will feel like a deep exhale.
In this episode, we unpack:
Why mental load is about ownership, not just tasks
The hidden cost of assumed responsibility at work and home
What “downshifting” really means (and why it’s not lowering your standards)
How to run a cost-benefit analysis on your time and energy
Why subtraction reduces overwhelm faster than better organization
Work with me:
Ambitious & Balanced: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/ambitiousandbalanced
Book your Break Free From Stress Strategy Call (with free Quiz!): www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/break-free-from-stress
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Transcript
If you feel like you're the one holding everything together, this is why most of your mental load isn't coming from tasks, it's coming from ownership. The things that you've silently decided are yours. The responsibilities you've absorbed without even realizing it. The emotional weight you carry because you can't.
In this episode, I'm breaking down why subtraction actually reduces mental load faster than organization, and how to decide what no longer belongs on your calendar or ledger. Because you don't feel heavy because life is too much or too big. You feel heavy because you're carrying the weight of too much.
If you're exhausted from being the default at work, at home, everywhere, then this episode is a must. Listen, are you ready? Let's get to it.
Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom, I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.
Well, hello there, working moms. We are diving into the third mental load hack in this short series. So far, we've talked about the importance of visibility, meaning you are making visible the invisible tasks and questions and worries that are in your mind, and you kind of got to get them out of your head, right? And onto paper or in some sort of note on your phone, and you got to get it out. That's the first hack.
Last week we talked about the second hack, which was about closing loops, right? Because so much of our mental load is actually decisions that haven't been made yet, right? Whether that's a decision on what you're going to do about something or who on your team is going to do something, or how you're going to tackle a challenge, or how you're going to get your kid to sleep through the night or out the door on time in the morning.
And what we talked about last week is how important it is to actually close those open question loops in our head so that our brain doesn't feel the need to hold on to those tasks any longer.
This week, the third mental load hack that we're going to talk about is downshifting. And I'm going to explain what I mean by downshifting here in a moment, but we're going to talk about it in two ways. The first way is downshifting or sort of delegating assumed tasks or obligatory tasks. And the second way we're going to talk about it is downshifting expectations of tasks.
Mental Load Accumulates Through Assumption, Not Just Obligation
Okay, so let's talk about shifting assumed tasks. All research pretty much shows that women are the default planners, rememberers, coordinators, doers at both work and home, right?
The real problem is that we actually take on assumed tasks, meaning we say yes to things even when it's not our job, right? That we assume responsibility for things that then take away our time and our energy from our actual priorities.
In other words, mental load accumulates not just through obligation, but through assumption.
The Silence Around the Table: Why Women Volunteer First
I'll never forget a client that I worked with one on one a while ago. She was telling me about how she was sitting around a conference table with a bunch of executive leaders in her office, and she was one of the only women at the table. I think there were like two.
And there was this series of decisions that this particular executive group had to make. And then, of course, out of those decisions came follow up tasks, as often happens. And whenever that conversation would come up around who was going to take on that follow up task, the executive team went silent around the table until one of the women would raise their hand and take it on.
No man around the table took on the tasks. It was noticeable to her that this was the case. But what was noticeable to me wasn't just that the men didn't volunteer. It was that they were more willing to sit in the discomfort of no one initially volunteering, right?
She just got so uncomfortable with the silence that she raised her hand.
At the end of the day, this is one of the biggest challenges for us as women, that we tend to hold on to a lot of the mental load for our teams, for our families. But it's not that we're the only ones that are capable or even willing to take on a task or a project.
We're likely not the only one even noticing, right? When the house is dirty or when the laundry needs to get folded, or when the dishes need to get done, we are simply unwilling to sit long enough in the discomfort for somebody else to finally take that task on.
“I’ll Just Do It”: How Assumed Responsibility Sneaks Into Your Mental Load
So here's how you can know that you have taken on a task or responsibility out of assumption instead of out of priority goals or values.
Okay. In your head, it's probably going to sound something like this: I'll just do it. It's easier if I handle it. No one else is going to think of this. They're not going to do it the way I want to do it. If I don't want it done wrong, I got to do it myself. If I don't track it, it's not going to happen.
One of the key questions I have for you coming out of this episode that I really want you to think about is what are you carrying simply because you've assumed the task, because you think that you have to, because you must, not because it's aligned, not because it's strategic, not because you're the only one even capable of it, right? Because it's simply uncomfortable for you to not take it on.
Your Capability Does Not Equal Your Responsibility
I want you to hear me in this. Your capability to do something does not make it your responsibility. Let me say it again. Your capability for doing something does not equal your responsibility, right? Just because you can or nobody else will, doesn't mean it's your job. It doesn't mean you should assume responsibility.
This is one of the reasons why women's schedules are so filled from 8 in the morning till 4pm in the afternoon with meetings, right? Someone invites you to join a meeting and you assume it's your job to say yes, right? You assume that if you can make it work, you should. You assume that if you were asked, it must be important that you're there.
In an ambitious and balanced life, you're not just protecting your time and priorities. You're protecting your mental and emotional space as well. You need time to think, to process, to reflect, to evaluate. You need white space in your life and in your mind in order to create sustainable work life balance.
You cannot take on the responsibility of every task, chore, or outcome. Period. You can't.
Okay, so let's talk about the other aspect of downshifting in this mental load hack, which is about downshifting expectations. I know, I know this is going to be a tough one for people. But before I dive in, a quick word from our sponsor, Nanny Track.
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Okay, so let's get back to talking about the mental load hack of downshifting, specifically downshifting expectations.
Downshifting Expectations vs. “Lowering Expectations”
Another way people might talk about downshifting expectations is they'll say lowering expectations. But I really hate using that phrase because it feels terrible, right?
I'm an all in person. You probably are too. I want things to be right. I want them to be at their best. I do not want to settle.
And so when people talk about lowering expectations, it feels like they're talking about, and oftentimes they'll even say, you know, it's moving from like A work or A plus work to B minus work, right? Well, that doesn't feel good to me to do B minus work.
So instead of thinking about it like that, I think about it as if I'm downshifting expectations. In other words, I'm shifting the expectations that I have for something in order to make room for expectations I have for something else.
The Cost–Benefit Analysis Working Moms Rarely Make
Okay, so let me give you an example. I was having a coaching conversation with a one on one client just last week, and we were talking about a meeting that was scheduled from 5 to 6pm, which is squarely in the middle of her family time. It's dinner making time. It's the time that she spends with her kids, right?
And when I asked her why did you accept this meeting during what is always your sort of priority, family time, she started with excuses about explaining how several people in this meeting are all over the world. And so based on the time zones, this is really the best time.
And I said, well, what would happen if you weren't at this meeting? Like what if you just didn't go?
And she said, well, that's sort of the problem because if I didn't go to this meeting, they're likely just going to have it without me because it's more convenient for them to have it at this time. And so they're not going to get to the best outcome if I'm not there.
And so this is what I said to her. I said, how important is it that you optimize for the outcome of this meeting? How important is it that you optimize for the outcome of this meeting? Is it important enough for you to skip family time so you can optimize whatever result is going to come from this meeting instead of just letting it be whatever it's going to be?
Because at this point, it's really about a cost benefit analysis. That's what we're talking about when we're kind of talking about downshifting expectations, right?
The incremental gain that my client gets from being on this meeting and turning whatever good results the team is going to come to into a slightly better one, does that benefit outweigh the sacrifice of personal time, which is the cost, right?
Is It Worth Assuming the Responsibility — Or Is It Just Assumed?
Let me give you probably a very common example for a lot of you out there. If your husband isn't going to pack a very nutritious lunch for your kids, potentially they're going to eat more processed food, junk food. Is it worth you assuming that responsibility of that task because of it?
Is it worth you having to think through the lunch packing options, making sure you're stocked with the lunch packing options, making sure that they're going to eat everything that you put in there, talking to your kids about what they're going to eat? All the other tasks that are involved with packing kids lunches, is it important enough for you to assume responsibility of that task and all of the mental load associated to it?
Right. It's a cost benefit analysis.
Now, of course, the answer sometimes to this question is going to be yes. Of course there are tasks that you're going to want to keep because it's important enough to you. Likely they are tasks that are associated to your values, your priorities, the way you want to show up as a mom, the leader you want to be, the promotion you want to receive, your goals, right?
Your tasks and responsibilities and obligations, they should ladder up to those bigger things. And if it doesn't, then there's likely an opportunity to downshift by either letting go or letting go of tasks altogether, which, in other words, that would mean delegating, right, or letting it go and downshifting the expectation.
So the kids are getting fed, but they're not getting a nutritiously packed lunch, right? It's fine. Your team is going to get to an outcome at that meeting and it's going to be satisfactory. It's fine.
Some things in your life need to be fine so you can excel and go all in to others, right? Not everything can have your 150% at the end of the day. I always think it's going to feel better to be going 150% into a few things that really matter to us than being at like 70%, 75% to everything.
Mental Load Decreases Faster Through Subtraction Than Optimization
Mental load decreases faster through subtraction than optimization. Let me say that again for the people in the back, okay? Mental load decreases faster through subtraction rather than optimization.
Meaning this isn't about being more productive, better time management strategies. It's about literally letting go, subtract, detracting from your responsibilities, obligations, and tasks.
So instead of asking, how can I manage this better? How can I get more done in my day? I want you to ask, does this task even need to be mine?
And if it doesn't, you get to choose to delegate it, delay it, drop it, or downshift it altogether.
The Mental Load Is About Cognitive Responsibility, Not Just Tasks
A quick recap for you. The mental load, which is held primarily by women in both teams and at home, is not defined by how many things you have to get done, but by the weight or responsibility of remembering, evaluating, deciding, optimizing, or in other words, simply holding each one of those tasks.
Yes, there is a stigma in America that says women are better at the cognitive labor or the mental load of tasks and household management. But we as women have also been conditioned to be better, right? At a young age, we as women are taught how to do things and how to carry responsibility of things in a way that our young men simply are not.
But there are some things that we can do about it that are fully in our control.
In order to release some of that mental load, number one, you need to make visible the invisible. Meaning, write it down. I would even say, share it. Share with your partner, share it with your spouse, share it with your friend.
Just last week, I was feeling the weight of some decisions in my business, and I texted about five of my friends and I asked if they would sort of hold these decisions with me, right, to check in with me about it, even pray about it, if that's their thing. And immediately, because I asked that, I felt so much lighter by simply making the invisible visible to both me and to others.
Number two, close the open loops, right? When your brain asks, what should I do about that? When is this gonna stop? Is this a problem that my kid is like this? What should I do?
First, notice that these are all questions that your brain is seeking answers to. They're not rhetorical. It is your brain's way of sharing the load with you and saying, hey, you've got some work to do here. You've got some decisions to make.
So don't delay those decisions. Make them right there in the moment.
You Don’t Have to Carry the Mental Load Alone
And number three that we talked about here today is downshifting the assumption of responsibility in new tasks or downshifting expectations of those tasks, because the cost benefit analysis of doing it is simply not worth it.
You don't have to carry the mental load on your own.
Building an Internal Compass So Your Work and Life Align
So often when I first start working with my clients, my job as their coach is to help them weed through the various responsibilities, expectations, and tasks that they're feeling committed to and to help them actually make a decision about what's important to them.
I help them build an internal compass based on their values, their purpose, their goals, who they want to be in this world so that their work, their commitments, and ultimately their schedule all feel in alignment with the life that they want.
If you are feeling underwater right now and you need help weeding through all of the tasks and responsibilities, you need a compass guiding you. This is the exact work I do in coaching, and I would love to connect with you on a call.
Break Free From Stress
And right now is the perfect time to schedule this call because I have put together a very special strategy call that I am calling your Break Free From Stress Strategy Call.
This is a 30 minute private conversation with me where we are going to break down exactly what your priorities are and what they are not. And then you're going to walk away with one tool with how to shift your mindset to make sure you continue to prioritize the things that actually matter to you.
This is a highly, highly valuable call. I'm going to walk through very personally with you exactly what your priorities are. This is one on one. You are going to gain so much from this conversation.
So be sure to go into the show notes to find a time to book that call with me, your Break Free From Stress Strategy Call. I cannot wait to talk to you to help you alleviate some of the mental load that you are carrying.
Working moms, you don't have to carry this alone. I am here for you. There is an ambitious and balanced community here that are with you in this. You are not alone.
Until next week or until our call, let's get to it.
Ending Every Day Feeling Behind? It’s Not Time Management — It’s a Stress Pattern
Hey, before you go, quick question. Are you ending most days feeling behind? No matter how much you get done?
If this is happening right now, it's not a time management problem. It's a pattern. And stress patterns don't fix themselves. They compound.
Most working moms don't actually need more time. They need to feel back in control.
Inside my Break Free from Stress Strategy Call, we spend 30 focused minutes identifying exactly what is driving your overwhelm and mapping out a clear shift, so you stop reacting and start leading your life again.
If you're tired of white-knuckling your weeks, don't put this off. Go to the show notes and click on the Break Free from Stress Strategy Call link to schedule your call right now.
All right, working moms, till next week, let's get to it.
